After a stress-filled breakfast out with my two preschool-aged children, my hubby
and I decided that our toddler was clearly malfunctioning - the following is the
culmination of that observation :
A phone rings.......
Operator (O) : Good afternoon, Toddler Helpline.
How may I help you?
Parent (P) : Hello, I am calling about my toddler unit.
I have reason to believe that it is malfunctioning.
O : Could you please state the nature of the problem?
P : State the nature of the problem? You asked for it - my toddler
is, as we speak, tied to the ceiling fan!
O : Okay sir, please calm down - you don't need to shout.
Now, I'm going to need two pieces of information to assist
you fully. Number one - do have the boy or the girl unit?
P : A boy unit - why?
O : Okay, I see - and number two - is your boy toddler unit
just TIED to the ceiling fan, or is he actually fooling
with the wiring? Oh yes, and one other minor detail -
is the ceiling fan turned ON?
P : No, he is NOT re-wiring it, the ceiling fan is NOT turned on,
and he is tied to the fan! Why does any of that matter?
He is TIED TO A CEILING FAN, neither my wife nor I put him there,
he is an ONLY UNIT, and the dog lacks the know-how.
Obviously, the unit is malfunctioning!
O : Listen, sir - I am really sorry, but if you have a boy toddler
unit, the fan is OFF, and the wiring is intact, then there is
absolutely nothing wrong with your unit - it is functioning up
to specs! Aren't these boy models clever?
P : Now YOU listen, lady - I spent a lot of money on this model,
and you have been NO HELP AT ALL! I want to speak to someone in
technical support!
O : I'm sorry, sir, but our entire technical support staff is on
an assertiveness-training retreat in Death Valley with the
Marquis de Sade.
P : Sheesh - If you can't help me, then I want to order an
instruction manual!
O : Sorry, but I can't do that. If you were stupid enough to order
a toddler unit, then the instruction manual would be FAR too
difficult for you to comprehend!
P : Then just tell me where the off switch is! You can do that,
can't you?
O : Sorry, sir - no can do! Only product development knows where
that is, and they're not telling!
P : Okay, I want a REFUND - PRONTO!!
O : I am truly sorry, sir, but all units are custom-made and
totally NON-REFUNDABLE!
P : Can I at least exchange it for another model?
O : No, but you wouldn't want to anyway. The girl models are
just as much trouble, are more expensive to maintain,
and the whining - well, let's just say you got off easy with
the boy model. You can order a NEW girl unit if you so desire,
but I am afraid your boy model is a keeper!
P : Great, just GREAT - NOW what am I supposed to do?
O : Well, this is just a suggestion, mind you, but if I were YOU,
I would get your toddler off the ceiling fan and then call
the doctor and make an appointment - for YOU!
You sound stressed - stress can kill!
P : Yeah, if the diabolical little troll beast doesn't do it to me
first! Geez - thanks, Lady - for NOTHING!!
O : Glad I could be of assistance. By the way, due to recent budget
cutbacks beyond my personal control, the Toddler Helpline is
required to charge you $4.99 per minute for this call.
Have a nice day, and thank you for calling the Toddler Helpline.
The scene closes with the parent dropping the phone and clutching
his chest in pain, to the sound of a toddler going WHEEEEEEEEE!
as the fan slowly turns around and around and around............
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