DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a
16-oz. can. However, the cans are divided into 8 compartments
of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon
to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans
look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens
itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your
empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like a Mac Beer's can. Requires that you already own a DOS
Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality, you can drink a few of them,
very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason,
a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look
inside, the cans only have 16-oz. of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 beer until their
friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some
of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though
the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but
the comapny promises to change the can to look just like Windows
95 Beer's - After Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the diffeent brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so
you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions,
in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or
a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer
The comapny has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be
an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix
Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extemely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz.
cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that
it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
Requires minimum user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high
pressure development you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors
are that this was once listed in the Physician's Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
The biggest problem is before you drink any one of them you have
to buy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.
Or go to the Good Clean Fun Main Page
(Graphics Version)
or (Text-Only Version)