Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening--sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for the whole year.
Jan. 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan. 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 5: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinamon sticks.
Jan. 7: Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's Shoe Inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 9: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Jan. 10: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 11: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 13: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan. 14: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 15: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 18: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Jan. 20: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Jan. 21: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan. 24: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
Jan. 26: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Jan. 29: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan. 30: Run with bulls at Pampolna.
Jan. 31: Gild lilies.
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