(The movie opens in a suburban home, where, the heroine is having breakfast with her adorable son.) HEROINE : Well, it's a peaceful day! No sign of any disasters! SON: Mom, do you have a husband or romance interest? HEROINE : No, Bobby, although I am a top scientist and very attractive. (The phone rings.) HEROINE : Uh-oh! I hope that's not a worker from the lab, calling to tell me about an impending disaster! LAB WORKER : Trish, a disaster is impending! HEROINE : I'll be right there! (To her son:) Bobby, you stay here and be vulnerable. SON : Mom, will the disaster end up striking this exact house and placing me in grave danger? HEROINE : Of course! (We see an exterior shot of the White House. Inside, the president, looking grim, is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting.) PRESIDENT : Haven't I seen that exterior shot before? VICE PRESIDENT : It's the same one they use in the Tom Clancy movies. PRESIDENT : OK, somebody set up the plot. SCIENCE ADVISER : Mr. President, unless something is done, a disaster is going to strike in 90 minutes, sending miniature cars flying in all directions. PRESIDENT : Ninety minutes! Why so long? SCIENCE ADVISER : We need to build up the suspense. GENERAL : Sir, we must launch a nuclear strike against Houston! PRESIDENT : Why? GENERAL : I hate Houston. PRESIDENT (To the hero) : Jake, you're incredibly good-looking. I want you to take your minority sidekick and get over to the laboratory immediately and develop a romance interest with the heroine. HERO : I'll do what I can, sir. (The next scene is in the laboratory. The hero and heroine are staring intently at a computer screen.) HEROINE : . . . and so by using the mouse pointer, you can drag the three of clubs over onto the four of diamonds. (A lab worker rushes up.) LAB WORKER : Trish, the pantograph is giving us a vector plasma reading in the cosine range! HERO : What does that mean? HEROINE : Nothing. It's movie science gibberish. But it's time for the disaster! And my son is home alone! (The scene shifts to the heroine's neighbourhood. People are screaming; miniature cars are flying everywhere.) HEROINE : This is terrible! Thousands of people are being killed! HERO : It's OK! They're extras! SON : Help! Help! HEROINE : My God! It's Billy! SON : No, it's Bobby! HEROINE : Oh, right. HERO : I'll save him! HEROINE : Watch out for the special effects! (The hero, dodging miniature flying cars, saves the son.) HEROINE : Now we can be a family unit! SON : With Val Kilmer? I thought the hero was going to be Tom Cruise. HERO : He wasn't available. (The final scene takes place back to the White House, where everybody is relieved.) PRESIDENT : Whew! Although we lost 124 million people, all the main characters survived except the minority sidekick! (The Cabinet applauds.) GENERAL : So now can we attack Houston? PRESIDENT: OK by me. (THE END)
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