If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as
well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay
for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a
reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power
a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, and would
claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red and green
together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out
who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types
wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier,
and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be
prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for
'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Fisher-Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang
the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black
cubes. Christmas morning, there would be presents for everyone, but
no one would know what they were. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole.
Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government
documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of
national security.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a
device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from
an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament
would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated
faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would
let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them
or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own
tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some,
they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.
Or go to the Good Clean Fun Main Page
(Graphics Version)
or (Text-Only Version)