Vacation Bible School--How parents ruin a child's summer vacation.
Vatican City--The only country that will never win an Olympic luge medal.
Vespers--Vat ve hear ven vorshippers don't vant to vear out their velcome.
Vigil--Looking out for number one.
Vine and branches--A biblical metaphor: Christ is the vine, we are the branches--and the Big Guy has the pruners.
Virgin birth--Paying the fiddler without getting to dance.
Virginity--What cannot be refunded once a deposit is made.
Vulgate--The version of the Bible that Spock reads.
Apostasy-- The difficult process of giving up one set of beliefs for another--such as switching from Leno to Letterman.
Act of Faith--An action that shows a person's belief that an event will occur--such as when a guy cleans his bedroom before a big date.
Arc of the Covenant--The trajectory of the tablets when Moses threw them down the mountain.
Asceticism--Living a pure, virtuous life - and then dying of boredom.
Blessed Virgin-- The phrase Joseph muttered himself to sleep with.
Blessing--A prayer preceeding an event that grants God's grace and releases Him from any liability.
Blind Faith--A redundant expression.
Bulletin--1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
Burning bush--What the Isrealites thought Moses had been smoking when he said he spoke with God.
Calvin, John--The man who championed the theory of predestination--whether he wanted to or not.
Cannon Law--The principle that whoever has the cannon makes the law.
Corona--The goofy haircut some monks receive to ensure their vow of chastity.
Crucifixion--1. A rather extreme form of impeachment. 2. The form of execution used by the Romans when the lions were full.
Ecumenical Council-- Where all those "a priest, a rabbi, and a minister" jokes get started.
Ecumenical prayer service--When Christians of various denominations get together and confuse the heck out of God.
Incense--Holy smoke.
Inquisition--A tough *final* exam.
Joseph of Arimathea-- An undertaker who doubled his money by selling Christ a tomb for only three days.
Knights of Columbus--The organization responsible for the senseless proliferation of spaghetti dinners.
Laying on of hands-- A healing action by a charismatic - first on the head, then on the wallet.
Liturgy--Just about the only urgy that can be satisfied by an unmarried Catholic.
Obedience--The vow of "monk he see, monk he do."
Offering--A sacrifice unto God - hangovers don't count.
Papal visit--When countries roll out the red carpet and half their GNP for the Pope - who tells them to do something about the poor.
Paten--The communion plate that the altar boy uses to score your Adam's apple.
Pew--1. A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches. 2. A real pain in the Mass.
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